


Bunnies of Death

by DancingLassie



Series: Bunnies of Death [1]
Category: The Hobbit (2012), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Prompt Fic, Prompt Fill, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-27
Updated: 2013-02-27
Packaged: 2017-12-03 19:25:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/701788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DancingLassie/pseuds/DancingLassie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill for this prompt:</p>
<p>Do you know the real reason hobbits live quietly in the Shire?</p>
<p>It's because all the other races banded together and banished them from the world's conflicts.</p>
<p>It just wasn't FAIR! Hobbits were tiny, adorable, and downright vicious with any weapon they picked up! No one else got to have any fun!</p>
<p>So the hobbits were disqualified and sent to live peaceful lives in the Shire; thus the battles of Middle Earth became a lot more bloody and a whole lot longer.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bonus: It wasn't just the Men, Elves, and Dwarves that kicked them out; the Goblins, Orcs, and other evil beings fully agreed with the disqualification.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bunnies of Death

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Смертоносные зайчики](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1424737) by [Toshirei](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toshirei/pseuds/Toshirei)



> I couldn't resist! Should be working.

“STOP!”  Is the bellowing cry that causes all men, dwarves, elves, orcs and goblins to desist in their fighting and look towards the speaker. 

It’s an orc.  He’s standing in the middle of the battle clutching a bleeding stump that used to be his arm with one hand.  In front of him, to Thorin’s company’s surprise, is their burglar.

Bilbo looks innocently gleeful.  His eyes are wide, his curls bouncy and he has a sweet smile on his face.  Once everyone got over the general adorableness of the picture they also noticed that his little sword is bloody and he looks rather eager to swing it at the orc in front of him.

“This,” the orc complains loudly to the assembled armies.  “Is in direct violation of the law set down by our forefathers many eons ago.  It clearly states that Hobbits, aka Halflings, also known at the time as the Bunnies of Death, would no longer be allowed to participate in any battle.”

“That’s ridiculous!” Thorin yelled back.  “Why shouldn’t he fight?”

“Yeah,” shouts an elf.  The elf actually knew why, but realised that the Halfling was on their side.  Which was a _good_ thing.

“When Hobbits began fighting in wars they would start in the morning and it would all be over by luncheon.”  A goblin came to stand by the orc, looking at the Hobbit in fear.  “Our people still talk of the Battle of the Teaspoons.  We were invading a city of men, not realising that they had called on the Halflings for aid.  They showed up one morning for battle with their breadknives and teaspoons.  By luncheon most of our forces had been gutted and their eyes gouged out by the spoons.  What was left of our people were then forced to sit and have afternoon tea.  The Hobbits used the very spoons that had mutilated our army to stir sugar into their tea.”

“It took them till Luncheon?” Bilbo asked in amazement.  “You mean they missed elevensies?  How very inefficient!”

Thranduil was eyeing the Hobbit warily.  On one hand, he remembered the time some rogue elves had tried to attack a Halfling village, only to be defeated by angry, frying pan wielding, mothers who had only just got the little ones to sleep, thank you so much for waking them!  On the other hand, this was likely to be a hard battle and the Hobbit in question was arguably on his side.  However, what if afterwards he joined with the dwarves he was friends with and went to war against the elves?

Thorin was having similar thoughts.  He’d cast out his friend.  What if he wanted revenge after the battle?  He could take Erebor after Thorin had fought so long trying to reclaim it.

The leaders of each army stepped forward to discuss the matter and they all quickly reached a decision.

“Bilbo,” Thorin told the Hobbit.  “We’ve decided it’s best if you just sat this one out.  Why don’t you go and have a nice cup of tea in Laketown?  After all, we haven’t had elevensies all trip.  You must miss them.”

Bilbo eyed him for a moment, Thorin later refused to acknowledge that he was sweating as the small creature appraised him.

“Fine,” Bilbo at last agreed, sheathing his sword.  “But if you’re not done by dinner then I’m coming back to sort this out.  So you’d all better finish this sharpish.”

Needless to say, the battle was done by dinner as the orcs and goblins decided tactical retreat was best sometime around afternoon tea.  No one wanted to risk the Hobbit’s vengeance with whatever weapons he could put together in Laketown.  Thorin, Fili and Kili had almost met their end by way of an orc blade, but the orc seemed to decide against it mid swing and it missed them by a mile.

“Did you know about this rule Gandalf?” Ori asked the wizard as Bilbo made the three victorious armies supper, none dared refuse the Hobbit despite wishing to just go home and wash.  “Is this why you sent Master Bilbo with us?”

“I couldn’t possibly say,” Gandalf gave a puff on his pipe, eyes twinkling merrily as he fondly remembered a time one Belladonna Took saved him from Wargs with her handy sewing kit.

                

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Bunnies of Death by DancingLassie](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6091254) by [Shizukesa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shizukesa/pseuds/Shizukesa)




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